The Communication Cure

When people ask what the most important factor is in making relationships thrive is, the answer people give is almost always “good communication.” 

But what exactly is good communication? And are we really all that good at communicating?  

 

It seems what often ends up happening is that our brain goes into autopilot. We start reacting to each other instead of truly hearing the other person and we don’t think before we speak. 

 

Really, the greatest challenge is to understand and to be understood by others. When we look at communication from this lens – to understand and be understood – we can be more intentional, put more effort in, and see improvement in our relationships. 

 

This is made even harder with the addition of advancements in technology. Ironically enough, it seems that the ease and convenience of communicating has actually made us worse at communicating. 

 

For one, we want information easy and fast. Expressing emotions and ideas isn’t always easy and fast, nor should it be. If the intention is connection, then quick and convenient isn’t the best option.  

 

Second, social media almost always encourages us to look inward – to compare, fixate, or satisfy ourselves. When we are hyper focused on ourselves and solely our own wants/needs, then it becomes difficult to consider someone else. Do we view their wants and needs as important and real as our own?

 

The third problem I see with our increased dependency on communication through technology is the difficult process of encoding and decoding what is trying to be said. What do I mean by this? Well, it comes down to ratio:

 

Words: 14%

Tone: 35%

Non-Verbal: 51%

 

Words, tone, and non-verbals is how we make meaning. In other words, these three things make up how we communicate. 

 

Here is the problem this creates with technology:

 

With texting, for example, there aren’t any non-verbal cues or body language that we can interpret. We lose access to over half of our communication cues. Ultimately, these cues are how we are able to make meaning and understand the other person. If over half of this is inaccessible, things are going to be extra difficult to navigate. 

On top of this, tone can be greatly misinterpreted over text. Words, punctuations, slangs, emojis, and other media might carry a different meaning from person to person. Since we can’t be certain about the tone, we can’t be certain about the true meaning. 

 

The most concerning aspect, though, is that we text so fast that often we don’t think too deeply about how we are carrying a message. We are already at a disadvantage with tone and non-verbals out the window, yet we carry on because it is convenient and easy. 

I am not advocating for getting rid of communication through technology completely. I am merely advocating that we be more careful and intentional. Being aware of the ratios of tone, words, and non-verbals can empower us to know how to move forward with each of our individual situations. 

So, what is the cure?

Psychiatrist David Burns gives what he calls “The Five Secrets of Effective Communication.” It is important to utilize all five of these in order to see the positive change we want to see in our relationships.

1) The Disarming Technique: 

This one is probably the most important. This is finding the truth in what the other person is saying. Perhaps it seems completely unreasonable or unfair, but there is a truth you can find in what someone is saying. It is choosing to put down defensiveness and open your mind up to possibility. It is listening and truly trying to understand. 

2) Empathy:

A big part of empathy is trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes. It is an effort to look at things from their perspective. It is loving. 

3) Inquiry: 

 Ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Again, come in with the intention of trying to understand. 

 

4) “I Feel” Statements:

The opposite of this would be using "you" statements where the emphasis is on blaming the other person and choosing to not be vulnerable. Here is an example of how you might phrase it:

When (insert situation/event), I felt/feel (insert emotion) because (insert thought). I would like (wish/request). 

5) Stroking:

This is authentically stating what you admire and appreciate about them. 

Those are the five!

I have personally applied this in my life with someone I was beginning to have a rocky relationship and was struggling to communicate with. I highly recommend to anyone! It can be hard, but it is worth it.