Family Theories & Why They Matter

What is a theory, and why does it matter?

In simple terms, a theory is an attempt to explain. 

Generally, theories are abstract and general. They are not facts, but rather a certain lens. Because theories are general, they can be adapted to be on the large-scale (for example, a lens to view the world) or the small scale (for example, your own family). 

Family theories are particularly unique as they are rooted in human experience. Instead of hypotheses someone could test in a lab, they are hypotheses that can be tested in the home. They are worth studying because they can help you look at your family from a different perspective. With intentional application, they can improve your interactions and relationships.

While each family is unique, theories can be helpful to all families because they provide general explanations, meanings, and applications. Through explanation, we can gain understanding and connect meaning. Understanding can then translate into application (action!). 

For this post, I will be sharing two theories:

1) Family Systems Theory

2) Exchange Theory 

For each theory, I will share what the theory is, applicable examples, and ways in which it could be useful to a family.

Family Systems Theory:

The basic idea of Family Systems Theory is that all family members have a huge impact on each other, and that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

In other words, the family is an extremely important unit. There is a holistic quality to it. 

The family, as a system, has its own unique characteristics, rules, roles, communication patterns, and power structure. It may be helpful to take a second to look at your own family with this. Here are some questions that can help you get started: 

1) Characteristics: How would I describe my family in five words? How might an outside perceive my family? What characteristics do I think make my family strong? What characteristics could we identify and work on as a team?

2) Rules: Does my family have “house” rules? Does everyone know what they are? Do all members have a say in the rule making? 

3) Roles: What roles do I play in my family? What roles would I say the other members in my family play? Do I feel happy and healthy in the role I play?

4) Communication Patterns: How do I communicate with my family? What do I like about our communication? What do I want to change?

5) Power Structure: What is the power structure like? Is it balanced? Does it feel fair?

Family Systems Theory relies heavily on roles, rules, and feedback. It might be helpful to sit down with yourself and think about these questions. Then, if you are comfortable, it might be helpful to talk about these questions and your reflections with your family. Each of these aspects has a lot of weight on the family dynamic and happiness. Working on even one area can cause a significant shift, hopefully for the positive. This theory can be a useful reflective and applicable tool.

Exchange Theory:

Have you ever had a relationship where you felt like you were the only one putting in any effort? Did it make you want to withdraw? That is the basis of Exchange Theory. 

If you are putting in more than you get back, there is strain on the relationship and your overall satisfaction with the relationship goes down. 

Has humans, we weigh what we put in vs. what we get back. 

However, things don’t have to be one-sided. Through communication and effort, there can be a return to balance, and satisfaction will increase.

If you feel a sense of imbalance, don’t be afraid to speak those needs. Here are some tips on how to start this conversation:

1) Voice that you want to talk sometime. Make sure it is a time where you can both be present. Be specific. For example, “I would like to talk about ___ with you when you have a chance. This is important to me, and I think it could help our relationship.”

2) During the conversation, use “I” statements (not “you” statements). For example:

a. “I feel ___ when  ___.”

“I feel sad when I plan all our date nights. I think it might help me feel more fulfilled in this relationship if we both put in effort with this. It means a lot to me. How do you feel?” 

b. Not:

“You never plan anything for us anymore! You don’t care about this relationship, and you don’t put in effort.”

This communication pattern has helped me resolve conflicts successfully. It is also an application of Exchange Theory.

These are two of the theories that resonated most with me. I hope you can apply some aspects of these theories into your own life! It is worth looking at things from a fresh perspective.