Creating a Culture Through Tradition

What do you think of when you hear the word “traditions”?

Do you think of matching pajamas on Christmas? What about the big firework shows on the Fourth of July? Cake and candles on your birthday? 

Perhaps these activities pop into our mind first because they are big. They are repeated events that carry a consistent meaning from year to year, often over the course of our entire lives.

Every culture has traditions, whether it be on the large scale (i.e., nationally) or small scale (i.e., workplace). 

For this post, the culture I will focus on is the family. 

Why the family?

The family is the most essential, important subculture in society. It is the only social structure that is an absolute necessity for life and survival. 

Additionally, the traditions that are passed down within families are arguably the most impactful on an individual. 

While there are the big family traditions such as the special activities members participate in during the holidays, there are also small, powerful traditions. 

In fact, I would argue that these are the most powerful of all. Often, they are repeated so frequently that we pay no attention to them, but they make a significant difference.

To identify these types of traditions, we must first understand the definition: 

Traditions are "inherited patterns of belief or behavior". 

Let’s dissect each part of this. 

First, traditions are inherited. They are passed down from generation to generation. 

Before I continue, I would like to clarify something. 

A hard reality that I learned this week is that not all families are able to meet the needs of its members as well as others. 

Sometimes this is due to factors outside of the family’s control. For example, poor socioeconomic status, limited opportunities, geography, prejudice, and other hardship can make it difficult for family members. 

These challenges aren’t traditions. Perhaps they are challenges that are passed on, but this doesn’t make them a tradition. Again, traditions are beliefs and behaviors. The root of tradition is internal, not external. 

Ultimately, traditions are in our control. If we do not agree or like a tradition that has been passed down to us, we can choose how we respond. We get to decide what we pass on to future generations. This goes back to the importance of the small, daily traditions. 

These smaller traditions have the power to influence our daily habits, choices, values, opinions, thoughts, feelings, and actions. 

That is powerful.

It is worth taking the time to truly reflect on our own family culture and traditions, particularly the small, habitual traditions. 

Reflection sparks questions such as:

What beliefs and behaviors have been passed down to me? 

Why do I believe what I do? What is the relationship between what I believe and what the traditions of my family are?

Are there traditions or cycles I would like to stop? In contrast, which traditions would I like to continue to pass on? 

Perhaps most importantly:

Which traditions encourage the best in families and individuals, and which might best be discarded?

Murray Bowen pondered on similar questions when thinking about his own relationships within his family. Murray Bowen was one of the first pioneers of family therapy and he created a theory about family systems. I greatly admire him and his work.

There is an example from his life that I think illustrates the principles we have been talking about:

1) Reflecting on tradition (beliefs and behaviors) within the family

2) Identifying feelings and thoughts towards the tradition

3) Deciding what to do about it (pass it on or choose to not participate)

This is the scenario:

First, Bowen noticed an interesting dynamic. His family would have rigid boundaries about letting others in on their life and what was going on, but they would lack boundaries and respect for others by gossiping in a circle with family members (grandmas, uncles, aunts, etc.).  

Second, Bowen noticed how this made him feel. He didn’t like how the lack of healthy boundaries and respect made him feel. He didn’t like the dynamics and systems it created between family members, particularly triangulation. 

Third, Bowen responded. When someone would approach him with gossip, he would waive it away and instead ask to focus on their own relationship. He would offer to tell the person they were gossiping about what was said behind their back. This forced the family to respond to Bowen’s positive change of creating boundaries and avoiding gossip. He chose to respond, not react. 

I would invite you to ponder on this example and the reflection questions. By identifying the traditions in your life, you give yourself the power to more intentionally and consistently respond in a positive way. The smallest changes can have the greatest impact.