Transitions in Marriage: I-dentity vs. We-dentity

There are several transitions that occur within the first year of marriage, let alone the first month. This is why it is important to make early adjustments in the marriage relationship.

Throughout marriage, there are experiences, environments, challenges, and stressors that all become shared. It will be important to establish a strong foundation early in the relationship. Shared experiences allow for the opportunity to grow closer as a team and lean on each other at different times. The point is you will be navigating these things together. 

 

All these changes at once can be overwhelming. For example, you will be adjusting and creating new roles within the relationship. You will learn more about each other’s habits, likes, dislikes, and stress tolerance.  

 

The goal of these adjustments is to create a mutually satisfying, strong relationship as well as create interdependence. Some call this new interdependence as focusing less on “I-dentity” and more on “We-dentity.”

 

Establishing the “We-dentity” early on is important because it creates a boundary of trust, love, and connection. It is a unique and powerful partnership. The nature of it is different than any of the other relationships in life.  

 

One of the most important aspects of creating a strong “We-dentity” is setting boundaries. 

 

To protect this relationship, it is important to set clear boundaries with friends and family. For example, gossiping or complaining about your partner to another person is not productive. In doing this, you become closer to the person you are confiding in as opposed to your partner. The first person you should come to with your feelings about “we” issues should be your partner. Seeking professional help from a marriage and family therapist is also a much better tool for resolving issues as opposed to dumping on other friends and family. 

 

Another important boundary is with friends. A friend that is not supportive of your marriage is not on your side (considering there is no abuse in the marriage). Close relationships with friends of the same sex can jeopardize the relationship as well. This could lead to mistrust, jealousy, and infidelity. 

 

Another boundary is with having children. In the future, the couple might decide to have children, and this will create many new changes. It will become easy for the baby to become the focus of everything, and the marriage relationship might start to deteriorate. It will be important to not only focus on the child’s needs, but also your partner’s needs. Going on planned dates throughout your entire life is one great way to stay close. 

 

Another important aspect of the “We-dentity” is taking care of your partner. The Honeymoon phase WILL end, and it will be important to continue to prioritize your partner. 

 

According to John Gottman, “After the initial infatuation wears off, great relationships grow from a few key habits:

1)    Listen to your partner

2)    Notice what your partner needs

3)    Respond to those needs” 

 

I would summarize these as hear, see, and respond. Let’s dive into each one of these habits:

 

First, listening to your partner is perhaps the greatest way you can show them your love. When we listen, we seek to understand. In the marriage relationship, communication is key. This includes active, attentive listening. Sometimes, your partner doesn’t want you to fix or solve all their problems. Sometimes what they need is to be heard. 

 

Second, noticing your partner’s needs is important because this is key to interdependence. Noticing someone else’s needs requires stepping outside of yourself. All of us have a human desire to be seen. If we don’t notice another’s needs, then how can we know they are there? How can we address those needs? 

 

Third, responding to those needs. It is crucial to respond with patience and love. Perhaps you could integrate your partner’s love language and help. Look for ways to serve your partner. Listen to what they are saying, both verbally and nonverbally. Then, act! Marriage requires effort. 

 

To conclude, there are many transitions during marriage, including early adjustments. These adjustments are important because they create a mutually satisfying, healthy relationship built on love and trusts. This creates a “We-dentity” of interdependence. One way to strengthen the “We-identity” is by establishing clear boundaries with friends and family. Other habits that strengthen the relationship are hearing, seeing, and responding to your partner.