Addressing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Do you know what is healthy and unhealthy when it comes to sexual relations and physical intimacy in marriage? Here are what I believe are the top two relationship characteristics of healthy versus unhealthy that will help you gain greater happiness and fulfillment within the context of marriage:

1) Reciprocation & Respect. 

From a strictly scientific standpoint, men and women's bodies are different. How men and women experience pleasure is different too. For example, women usually take longer to warm up to sex while men are pretty much ready whenever. 

Women also have more sensitivity. Because the experience of pleasure is different, it is crucial for both partners to make an intentional effort to prioritize the other person's needs and pleasure, not just their own. It requires one to look beyond one self, even when emotions are extremely strong and rewarding to the self. There is a rush of serotonin and dopamine, which means it can be easy and tempting to chase after your own self-interest. 

Equally reciprocating and showing your partner that you respect them benefits the relationship immensely. It allows you to truly grow intimate and love them beyond seeking your own self-centered pleasure. It is a give and take relationship. 

Experiencing pleasure and receiving is not a bad thing and does not make you a bad person. It is natural and beautiful to bond with your partner through reciprocal pleasure. In contrast, circumstances where it is not okay is when you use your partner's body exclusively for your own pleasure. Disregarding your partner, crossing boundaries, and objectifying your partner will never lead to increased love and trust. The consequence is that your relationship with regress and suffer.

As you can see, respecting each other's needs and reciprocating is crucial to happiness in the marriage relationship. It should be mutually fulfilling and unselfish. It should be focused on each other and building the bond. Connection is everything. Trust is everything. Respect is everything. 

2) Being 100% Present

When people think of intimacy, most immediately think of the sexual and physical aspects of a relationship. However, intimacy encompasses much more than that. What I mean by this is that it can also be spiritual, emotional, and intellectual intimacy. If one is intentional, sex can be a channel of all four of these types of intimacy. In other words, you are not just sharing your body; you are sharing your entire self. You are being vulnerable and opening yourself up to connection. Intimacy includes being seen. Partners desire to learn and understand each other better each day. Sex can become a space for this. 

It is important to understand the risk factors that can prevent a couple from being fully intimate. For example, closing yourself off can be hurtful to your spouse. Secrets and withholding information can do serious damage as well. Avoid secrets at all costs. When you marry your spouse, you become one.

Other extremely harmful things are infidelity and viewing pornography. These acts will prevent you from being present and being there for your spouse. They are extremely damaging to both you and your spouse. Besides emotional and spiritual anguish, you will also not be able to be 100% present physically. More importantly, these practices prevent you from spiritual, intellectual, and emotional intimacy with your partner. These types of intimacy are what create joy. People are more than just bodies. The stakes are more than just sex. 

Recognizing when you feel inclined to withdraw is a great opportunity to self-reflect and communicate with your spouse. They may feel confused and hurt. It will be important to communicate calmly and learn how to listen to their feelings while also understanding that your feelings are valid too. Make your intention increasing connection and nurturing the relationship.

This blog is inspired by these two articles by expert Laura M. Brotherson. She dives into twenty characteristics (10x more content than this post!) and resources that I highly recommend checking out :

Article 1: https://latterdaysaintmag.com/raising-the-bar-on-intimate-relationships/ 

Article 2: https://latterdaysaintmag.com/characteristics-of-healthy-and-unhealthy-sexuality-in-marriage/ 

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